


forgiveness

by lynnie_b



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Friendship, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Platonic Relationships, ft an outside perspective of andreil from nicky's POV, sorta Nicky Hemmick appreciation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 05:32:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15187883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynnie_b/pseuds/lynnie_b
Summary: Kissing Neil was the best and easiest option. It didn't attract suspicion and it would effectively get more dust into his mouth. All he was doing was following Andrew's orders.At the time, Nicky thought it was okay.It really wasn't.





	forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> This was something which quite bothered me about the books. There was never any reparation or acknowledgment about this kiss?? and I know Nora's extra content says that they never actually speak about it, but I wasn't satisfied with that, so I wrote this. Sometimes u gotta take matters into your own hands
> 
> this is lowkey to show how nicky is more than the annoying gay cousin who doesn't think about his actions. he deserves so many more fics written about him, and he and Neil have such a precious friendship that I can't resist ;)

Neil never acknowledged it, so neither did Nicky.

He had never wanted to ruin a perfectly good moment by bringing up the past. Neil seemed settled. It was what he deserved. Finally, after years of emotional torment and running from death, Neil had found a home in the Foxes. He found a home in Andrew. They had their own little bubble, wrapped up within each other and always with somebody to lean on. 

Neil was the thing the Foxes needed. He weaved them all together, smoothed the jagged edges and allowed them to all fit, pushed away lingering resentment between the upperclassmen and the monsters. They were a team, they’d won against the Ravens, Riko was gone - and none of that would have been possible if it weren’t for Neil Josten.

But Nicky couldn't help but notice the tension in Neil's frame when Nicky graciously asked him to dance one evening at Eden’s. Andrew wasn't back from getting drinks yet, so Nicky quickly brushed his offer away before his cousin came back and deduced that something was wrong.

“Never mind, I’ll ask Aaron,” he said.

The tension melted from Neil immediately, and guilt struck Nicky. It was hot and uncomfortable. An apology got lodged in the back of his throat, but Andrew was back now. Nicky would either be stabbed or exiled if Andrew ever found out what had happened. 

He knew he was a bad person. An asshole. A predator. Nicky had spent so long trying to protect Andrew and had ended up being like the people who hurt him.

He noticed their fragile 'yes or no' game. Nicky was initially confused, trying to imagine him and Erik asking every time they wanted to touch each other. It would grow exhausting. But he realised, a few weeks later, that they both needed that. They were two broken souls who had never really gotten a say in what happened in their lives. At least with each other, there was trust there. There was _ love  _ there, dare Nicky say it. Neil looked at Andrew like he could save the world. Andrew looked at Neil like he was something crafted from of his dreams.

Nicky really, really didn't want to ruin that. He wanted to keep his place in their group and he wanted to keep Neil and Andrew settled together, content - but the issue grew. Once he started thinking about it, guilt became almost unbearable. He had kissed Neil. He hurt Neil. He was vulnerable and defenceless and Nicky had taken advantage.

Sure, they were Andrew's orders, but that didn't mean anything. Andrew said "Keep him there." At the time, Nicky had brushed it off as necessary. Kissing Neil was the best and easiest option. It didn't attract suspicion and it would effectively get more dust into his mouth.

At the time, Nicky thought it was okay.

It really wasn't.

The secret seemed to simmer between them both. Neil remembered. Nicky remembered. But neither were willing to break and talk about it.

One night, when the guilt started to burn and tears threatened to spill, Nicky texted Erik. It had been a ridiculous amount of time since they’d last seen each other, so when Nicky got a reply, his heart almost melted.

_ What’s wrong? You need me to call? _

**No,** Nicky replied. **Everybody is asleep. Just want to talk.**

Erik asked again what was wrong, and Nicky sighed. How was he supposed to tell Erik that he was a horrible person and didn’t deserve something as wonderful as Erik? How was he supposed to phrase ‘I took advantage of an eighteen year old whilst he was vulnerable and thought it was okay’?

**I’m not a very nice person,** Nicky wrote. Before Erik could reply, he added:  **I’ve done some shit that I regret doing, but I can’t undo it.**

_ Baby, you’re not a horrible person. _

Nicky felt his heart jump, but it was drowned out by the guilt. He hadn’t felt guilt like this since he noticed the betrayal on his parents’ faces after he announced that he was gay. He hadn’t felt guilt so crippling since he first kissed Erik and realised that his parents would never accept him. Since then, Erik’s strong hands and reassurances shoved all of that far, far away.

**I’ve done bad things and I wish I could get rid of them**

_ Everyone has done bad things Nicky. Doesn’t make you a bad person _

**But what if I am a bad person???**

_ I know you’re not. Are you sure you don’t want me to call? I am not busy and you sound upset _

**I’m okay,** Nicky lied.  **I’m just overthinking**

_ Please don’t doubt yourself. I won’t let you _

Nicky didn’t know what to put to that. He just went with:  **I miss you so fucking much**

_ I miss you too. _

**I wish you were here with me right now**

Nicky waited a second. When Erik didn’t automatically reply, he turned away from his phone. But a second later, it buzzed, and when Nicky checked it, the tears which he’d been holding back fell without warning.

_ I always am _ .  _ You have always got me. _

He cried a bit more and wished that Neil could understand just how awful he felt.

\------------------------------------------

Neil was sat alone. Aaron had ditched them all for Katelyn and Kevin had gone to the bathroom. Andrew had accompanied him because Kevin looked several seconds away from passing out, so it was just Nicky and Neil.

This was his chance to say everything. But what if he couldn’t fix it? What if by bringing it up he fucks everything up more?

“Neil.”

“Yeah?”

Nicky inhaled shakily. Neil’s eyes were sharp. He probably knew what was coming, but let Nicky struggle with his words for a few moments.

“I, uh - I’m sorry.”

Neil raised his eyebrows.

“That night,” he continued, “when you were - drugged.”

Neil’s eyebrows knitted together. “I remember.”

“Andrew told me to keep you in one place. But I - I didn’t exactly stick to his orders. He never told me to do …  _ that _ .” He couldn’t even bring himself to say it. It sounded horrible, the realisation of his shitty actions burning his tongue. Nicky could remember Neil’s lips underneath his, warm and unmoving, his hands desperately shoving Nicky away.

“I know that,” Neil said. He seemed annoyed, but only faintly. There was no real anger, nothing poisonous. 

“I was an asshole.”

“Yes, you were,” Neil agreed, but he seemed calm, nothing like the frightened kid which he used to be.

“I just wanted to, uh, apologise. And reassure you that nothing happened after. After the waiter knocked you out, we took you back to the house and you slept. That’s - that’s all.” When Neil didn’t do anything besides stare, Nicky added, “I promise.” He sounded almost desperate. He felt desperate. What if Neil decided that he didn’t want to be anywhere near Nicky anymore? What if this was confirmation that their friendship is over?

But Neil just shrugged. “I forgave you already.”

Nicky heard the words, but they took a little too long to sink in. “What?”

“I’m not saying what you did was right,” Neil said, “but I’ve already forgiven you.”

“But - I -”

You’re my friend, Nicky. You did a bad thing. Doesn’t mean I hate you. You all did shitty things, Andrew included,” Neil said.

Nicky nodded a few times, unsure of how Neil could just let it go like that. For somebody with a life of trauma behind them, being kissed against their will must have been an unpleasant experience.

“Did you - “ Nicky tried, looking around his shoulder to check the whereabouts of Andrew, “say anything?”

It felt horrible, asking Neil to keep a secret from Andrew. Nicky had no secrets with Erik. Erik knew the ins and outs of him, everything from his average shower time to his deepest insecurities. But there’s something similar to understanding in Neil’s eyes. 

“No,” he said. “He wouldn’t forgive you.”

“I know,” Nicky replied sadly.

“And I don’t want you to get stabbed,” Neil said. “Or kicked out. You’re … family.”

Nicky felt his heart melt a little at that.

“I really am sorry.”

“You’ve said that.” Neil still didn’t smile, but he seemed more relaxed.

A few seconds later, Andrew returned with Kevin a few paces behind him. He fell in beside Nicky, reaching for another drink, and Andrew slotted in beside Neil.

Nicky was relieved to notice that the crippling guilt inside of him had faded. All he felt now was a slight tug of shame, an inkling of regret for what he had done. But the past couldn’t be changed and Neil had forgiven him already.

He watched Andrew brush his finger across Neil’s wrist. In return, his lips twisted into something like a smile, eyes fixed firmly on Andrew.

Family. He liked that term.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
